New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
