Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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