I met the friendliest cop last night
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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