put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
