turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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