Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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