Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
