I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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