Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
