Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
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Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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