Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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