Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
