I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize