my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
