YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
