please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
