You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
