I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
