I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
