When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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