____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
True strength comes from lack of pants
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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