I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Come on in and take your pants off
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