I'm so fucking centered right now
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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