she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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