I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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