dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
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at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
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Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.