Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.