I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck