I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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