8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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