I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
