i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
