We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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