He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
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I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
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We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?