Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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