So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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