the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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