Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
