I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...