I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
