I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
