Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
