Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
