your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
