Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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