there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
