Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
