im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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