i can't believe i had my finger in that
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
