and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
