K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
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If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
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She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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