pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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