I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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