I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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