I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
