so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
