Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
