Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
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We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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