He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
